decisions.

So here I sit, alone in my room.. doing anything and everything with my time, other than my homework, which is due tomorrow afternoon. Ah yes, another semester of college has started, and I’m already procrastinating. Even worse, I’m procrastinating the easy stuff that I actually like.

It’s so easy to do.. take a nap, and then sit in my warm room at my desk, looking up cutsy love songs that are probably meant for junior-highers, that I still love.. while adoring the sound of rain and thunder (yes, thunder) outside my window. Take a look at the time-stamp. You’ve got it. It’s January, and I’m enjoying a beautiful thunderstorm. Why would I move downstairs for it to be drowned out by the football playoffs and generic conversation by my family for some lousy homework? I don’t know, either.

Maybe it’ll help if I pull my books out… – there. They look far too homework-y to open.

I would far rater sit here and stalk recently uploaded wedding photos, installing the newest update of iTunes and shop online.

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I apparently don’t do well with sedation medicine… I mean, a few drugs, four wisdom teeth out and I’m tired of sitting, so I take a flight of stairs and either end up passing out or puking.

Spite. or Love. I don’t know.

–noun
1. a malicious, usually petty, desire to harm, annoy, frustrate,or humiliate another person; bitter ill will; malice.
2. a particular instance of such an attitude or action; grudge.
3. Obsolete . something that causes vexation; annoyance.

We’re human. I believe we’re sinners. We do wrong. Sometimes.. the wrongdoing we “partake in” (per se)… is spitefulness. I’m not sure how to explain why this topic has come to mind, recently, without giving you the entire story of my ’10-’11 existence. Which.. I’m not going to do. Like, ever. So quit dreaming. We all know you’re dying to hear.

ANYWAYS. It’s just come to my attention that sometimes.. there are people in our lives who we love so much, or who influence us so greatly that when there are particular things we’d like to do, buy, say, get done, wear, etc… that they aren’t necessarily against but aren’t for, we forget our own wants for the sake of their preferences.

But as we all know, sometimes the people we love and hold in such high places don’t always stick around. People change and grow and move on sometimes. Occasionally against their will, and more often than not, according to it. And as we also know, sometimes that hurts us. Sometimes it doesn’t end so “Happily Ever After”. Sometimes it’s sad and makes your heart ache, and then as time goes on (especially if you don’t understand), you get mad. Or judgmental.

Take me, for example. Exhibit A (and B-Z too.. because I’m self-centered and pretty much only talk about myself.) That’s been me. And I got past the mad, judgmental phase and went back to love. A different kind, this time.. and I can only hope it’s noted for their own sake someday.

WELL. It occurred to me, once I was free of this “love binding” .. if that makes any sense. Like, we’re free to do as we’d like, and their opinion of whether or not we eat McDonald’s doesn’t matter so much, anymore. (THIS .. is not a literal example in my life, btw.) But sometimes it is little insignificant things. Sometimes it’s bigger, but still somewhat insignificant things, such as using Apple products as opposed to Microsoft. Or what kinds of piercings/body art they’d prefer you to have or not have. So, things changed in my life. I moved on from this little things. Idk. Boundaries? Consideration? I can’t even find the word, but I’m sure you understand.

A big thing I’d like to clarify, though, is that I didn’t change my life in spite of anyone. I didn’t go about doing these things to spite someone who hurt me and then made me mad. Because I’m not mad. And the things I’ve gone about doing are things I’ve always liked, considered or wanted. The only difference is having a person in place who I care more about than the things I desire. Which is a huge deal. So, maybe this whole post should be about that.. and not the spiteful aspect of it all. The idea just appeared out of nowhere and it all got tangled up in my head, so I had to share.

OHALSOIGOTANIPHONEWHICHISFRIGGINSWELLKBAI.

Quirky.

I’m all about the saving the best for last.  It’s nothing I’ve noticed since recently. But I do. In most things.

Give me bad news first. I need something better to come. I need a happy ending.

Run the errands least enjoyable to most enjoyable. I need something good to look forward too.

Even in how I eat. I’m not a picky eater, but I’ll for sure save what I love the most for last.. Which often becomes a problem when I get full before I’ve gotten to the best part.

It’s weird. We all have our quirks. But we don’t often realize them. And when we do, it’s like.. “wwhhaat?”

Yeah. That.

When Life Gives You Chocolate Chips.

I work fast food. This, you may already know. But maybe you didn’t, so just for clarification.. I, in fact, do.

Today, a woman came through the drive-thru and said something to the affect of “you guys have chocolate chips, don’t you?”. Which sounded kind of odd to me. Not that the question was in any manner absurd,  but that it sounded off from how I would’ve stated it. Aaaand not to insinuate that my manner of speaking is correct or anything, but just that I couldn’t necessarily understand asking that question in that way. Or, even more so.. posing it as a question in the first place.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m going on about chocolate chips, and what the significance of how they’re addressed, is.. And ultimately why it’s important enough to bring up and discuss at all.  Well, YOU SEE.. It immediately reminded me of my best friend and I. We’ve recently had a few conversations in which her optimism (or abstract hopes) and my pessimism (or realism) have come to light. It’s how we are.

She’s the one to forever aim high and fall harder.. The one to be more hopeful and dream of great things. To get “vibes” and have inner senses of peace and feel that all things will work out. Which is GREAT. I should be more like her in a sense. She’s more carefree and open. She probably feels more loved than a lot of people I know, especially because she knows she is and accepts it. Things work out for her, because she believes they will. She feels that things are going to be great and they are. But at the same time.. things aren’t always perfect. They don’t always work out, and sometimes her great high hopes let her down. She falls easier. She gets disappointed easier and more often. Whereas, I’m quite the opposite.

I’m always the one to disappoint myself on purpose. I like to look at it as being realistic, when I know deep down, sometimes it’s just pure pessimism. I never assume someone likes me. I don’t assume they don’t.. I just refuse to assume they do. I don’t ever feel like people can or will look past my crappy faults. I often don’t like to consider myself “good enough” in most circumstances.. and I even think in this “pessimistic” way, concerning other people. He doesn’t like me? It’s because he likes someone else. IN FACT. It’s not only that he likes someone else, but that he’s madly in love with some beautiful super model who he secretly married and has three beautiful perfect children and an amazing house-trained dog that knows all these tricks and commands. Over-exaggeration. Maybe. Yes. BUT.. the method to my madness? I’m hardly ever any more disappointed than I’ve already gotten my self used to being and ok with. Even more so… I’m more often pleasantly surprised than hurt by something I convinced myself wouldn’t go down. Because I’ve picture the worst. I’ve gotten used to it. AND I’d much rather have things go over well or even better than I expect and be happy about it, rather than shoot high and fall far.

I realize this probably isn’t the best for me. It’s probably not even mentally or emotionally healthy. And I most likely come off as a very depressing, pessimistic person at times. Which I do hate. But I can’t stand to give myself false hope. I’ve been disappointed one too many times. What if I assume and I’m wrong? I don’t do well with disappointment. I don’t want to find out that I’m less liked or loved than I thought. I don’t want to be off base. I want to be as prepared for the worst as I can be.. as ridiculous as it makes me.

So,  back to the chocolate chips. I guess you could say this lady in the drive-thru represents my best friend. ”you guys have chocolate chips, don’t you?”. It sounded weird to me, because that’s not how I am. It’s not how I’ve been and I just don’t relate to that way of thinking.. as sad as that may be. I’m the girl who says “you guys don’t have chocolate chips, do you.”. Statement. End of story. If there are chocolate chips there are chocolate chips. Pleasant surprise. Happily ever after. If not.. no disappointment. I assumed so in the first place. Got it covered.

I don’t understand. But that’s ok.

It’s weird sometimes.. the peace we obtain for no reason to our own knowledge. It’s weird that when you least expect it, you’re ok with something. It’s weird how something changes so quickly and all of a sudden you’re fine.

It’s like something clicks, but you’re not even sure what, because you didn’t even know it was happening.

Life is weird. God is great. And this peace is magnificent. I hope it stays. I’m done not being fine.

The Things That Occupy My Mind.. part 1.

I don’t know what I want to say.  I mean, I know perfectly well what I want to say.. because there are so many things and they run through my mind on repeat throughout my days, weeks and months and it doesn’t stop until it gets forgotten or replaced.

I want to say that people would have such great relationships if no one was afraid of a little honesty.  And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships either.

I’m not perfect, and I wont try to convince you I am, but if I need to honestly tell someone I like or even love, something important, you can bet that I will. I’m not up for games and stupid misunderstandings and long explanations following said misunderstandings.

Can you, person #1, just say what you freaking mean? And can you, person #2, just shut up and hear it for a minute? Then switch sides. Good Lord.. shall we all focus only on what we’re going to say next instead of hearing people out, and then expect them not to do the same to us? Selfishness abounds. Here people out, yo.

Here’s To The New Year.

It’s 2011.
Here are some things I stumbled across that I feel apply to me..

{2010}
“I left my “friends”. I grew up. I made smart decisions and I made stupid ones. I fell in love… or maybe I just tripped. I moved on, or at least I tried. I felt lost in a sea of people. I was ignored a lot. I was happy and I was overwhelmed. I said things that should’ve never left my mouth and I said things that deserved to be said. I messed up and I made up. I created memories. I cried a lot, but I probably laughed more. This year was humongous for me. I got hurt so much, but still.. I have no regrets.”

• Thanks to those who hated me, you made me stronger.

• Thanks to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.

• Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.

• Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.

• Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that you care.

• Thanks to those who left, you showed me that not everything is forever.

• Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friends.

• Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who I am today.

• Thanks to my Savior and God, He’s always with me.

With God.

God has seriously taught me soo much recently.. I’m truly learning how much I need to lean on Him and let Him have control of my life.

I’ve come to realize (the hard way) that if God isn’t the number one thing in my life or the center of my attention, He’ll take away my distractions like *snaps* that. He’ll break me so I’ll realize how much I need Him and go running back to His arms. I think sometimes he breaks us so He can start from scratch on our hearts. That’s most definitely what He’s doing in my life.

This year I’ve been given many opportunities to grow and mature… And I’ve been put through many trials. I’ve always believed that God wont put me through anything that I can’t handle, but it’s become more apparent to me that it’s not that He’s putting me through these trials because I can handle them.. like He’s already given me the strength or ability or something.. but that it’s more likely that He’s putting me through them so that I’ll keep going back to Him for the strength I need. This isn’t some video game where you “unlock” a certain ability or feature and you’re good to go until the end. Sometimes I think that’s how we view life and our own abilities (..or lack thereof.)

Everyone has different opinions on this particular time of life. I’ve had people say that they wouldn’t go back to being my age for all the money in the world.. I think I understand that. (; It’s so easy to get caught up in dramatic things.. To be uneasy and frustrated over figuring out what you’re going to do about work and school and relationships, especially when everyone and their mother wants to know right now what you’ve decided on.  There are the people who are just “concerned” that you’re doing what’s “expected” of you. Sometimes it’s too much and I want to tell them to back off and leave me alone because it’s my life, and honestly it’s not going to affect them, so they should focus on their own children. Then there are the people who genuinely care, but really aren’t doing much to help. I hear things like “Oh, don’t worry about it sweetie.. You just need to focus on getting that MRS. degree! *wink-wink*” Those people can usually make me smile.. but still.. really.

I’ve also had other people tell me that this part of life  is a cakewalk and that I need to buck up because if I can’t survive my teen years, I’m screwed in the rest life because “this is alllll just preparation for the real world.. It’s a million times worse out there! Didn’t your mother tell you that??”…..Dear. Lord.

I believe that there are truths to both sides of that.. but I’m not going to know which is truer in my life until I’ve experienced it! (assuming I don’t get run over by a truck or mysteriously die in my sleep at some point before then.. *knocks on wood*) So until I get to that point, I have two options… I can freak out, cry and go into a depression.. all along the way, knowing deep down in my heart that God is right there waiting for me to go back to Him and give everything to Him. Trust Him. Lean on Him. And start over.. Or I can do my best to (with His strength) avoid the drama, breathe and take life one little step at a time, trusting in Him fully to lead me the entire way.

We all know it’s easier said than done. In all honesty, it’s so much easier for me to worry and cry about it.. But if  I did that, I’d be sitting idly. I wouldn’t be learning anything or proceeding with my life. I’d just be stuck in a terrible rut until I decide to do what I know what was right all along. Until I do that, I wont be moving forward. And I need to move forward. I refuse to be seventeen for forever.

So, I choose the latter. Which, I can’t actually pull off without God helping me do so… That’s like trying to rob a bank… without something that makes robbing a bank possible.. I think my brain is seriously broken. Anyways.. I think so many of us know and believe that we can’t do anything without God.. but at the same time, we go around pretending like we really can do some things without Him. And oh, how wrong we are. Anything I can accomplish or make it through is only because He gave me the strength and ability. The only reason He puts me through trials is so I can need Him to help me through them.. which He does.

I’m learning more and discovering new things about my God every day.. It’s sad how little I’ve known, but I’m excited about figuring out more.

I’m Going To Be Sick..

Well, another Turkey Day has come and gone… I’m not eating again until May. That’s the plan. I’ve experienced two Thanksgiving dinners in the past week. The first with my extended family at my sister and brother-in-law’s on our little vacation in Georgia.. and the second, today at home with my immediate family. Really. I’m just over the whole eating thing, now.

I actually just realized how close we are to the end of the year, earlier today when I was pinning some movie tickets to my cork board. You see, I save all the movie tickets I collect over the year and then around the new year I clear them off, put them in a drawer, and start over. As I was rearranging the various things I had posted on the board, I was amazed at how many tickets I had collected.. and my first thought was “I’m going to have SO many by the time this year is up!” ..which is when I realized that 2010 is nearly over and I most likely wont have that many more.

This year has gone by SO quickly, but at the same time.. so much has happened that thinking back to the beginning is sometimes a challenge and certain occasions feel like they were forever ago. I’ll stop with the end of the year talk, until new year’s, though. (;

Back to Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for..

• The new He is We album, because it’s pretty beastly.
• The chocolate milk I had with my breakfast this morning.
• The little space heater that’s currently keeping my room from turning into a giant ice cube.
• My job.. and the people I work with. (and that tomorrow is payday! booyah.)
• The backspace button. It’s an important part of my life, for reals.
• The mad cleaning/organizing skills I got from my mom.
• My ability to touch my tongue to my nose.. and make my eyes shake. (especially because of my inability to whistle or snap.)

And now, in all seriousness..

I’m so very thankful for my family… they drive me crazy and are the toughest people to get along with, at times. But they love me despite my imperfections. God blessed me with great parents who love each other so much. A dad that I’ve come to realize in the past year that I’m more like than I ever thought. A mom who always has great advice for me in any situation.. We can get pretty annoyed and frustrated with each other at times, but we always go back to being little buddies (; Aaaand four siblings.. two of which I never see, and two I see too much of. I love them all.

I’m thankful for my best friends.. They’re the greatest people you’ll ever meet. Some of my best quotes are from them.. some of my best memories are with them.. and I (almost) never get tired of being around them. They have my heart.

And most of all I’m thankful for my great, beautiful, amazing, loving, perfect God. And that’s not all I have to say on this particular subject… You just have to wait some for all my thoughts to be gathered..